I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
