Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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