so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
