i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Randomize
