Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
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