when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
