Kiss
Puke
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
