She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
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