Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
Can you bring me the toilet please
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
