New low: just hacked my moms facebook
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
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