After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
The adults are the big ones right?
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
