Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
