On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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