that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
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