Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
