Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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