I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
My life is pants optional.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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