Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
I need water and some morals
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Randomize
