If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
You're a disaster
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