I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
i don't plan on having that self control this summer
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
Acid is not a monday night drug
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize