fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Randomize
