i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
