Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Ryan Ross and Jon Walker left panic at the disco today.
I predict a mass suicide of the 14 year old girl population...
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
