Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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