you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Success! We fucked roommates!
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
