I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
