His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Randomize
