How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Randomize
