I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize
