The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
