The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Randomize
