so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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