Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
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