I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Randomize
