Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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