I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
