Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
