Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I need a beard to bite.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
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