My hand turned me down
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
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