Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Randomize
