Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
