Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
She tied me up with her honor cords...
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
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