We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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