beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
