a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Randomize