remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
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