the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
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