I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
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