Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
My ass is underappreciated
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Randomize
