If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
