i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
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