just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
He's a Shit stain on my heart
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Randomize
