mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
