I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Is it penis luge time yet?
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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