Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
