I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
