Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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