Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Randomize
