Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
