well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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