in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
